An Awakening!!

Literally...Ryder woke up at 4am...I fed him and changed him he is back to sleep but now I'm awake. I feel kinda funny and I think it's b/c of chemo yesterday. My body feels achy and I feel the need to take deep breaths. I finally came downstairs to make a delicious glutamine drink. A powder that is recommended to help with muscle and joint pain that comes along with the Taxol. I started carboplatin yesterday in addition to the Taxol. So the combination may take a toll on me. So as I enjoy my nice grainy drink this morning...I want to share some thoughts...

I feel like I've been slapped in the face sometimes. Wake up!! What have you been?! I've been in the dark and now I'm awake. Let's just hope it's not too late, I want a second chance. I hope for this second chance!

I have had 2 awakenings...okay warning this is a deep post and a little out of my comfort zone but feel the need to write it down and share.

Let's talk about the less deep topic first. This whole healthy lifestyle thing. I'm mean where have I been?! It just seems so simple. Eat healthy, exercise and try to alleviate stress. It's so good for you. I've always thought that I ate pretty healthy and I'd work out on occasion. But life gets busy and you don't make time, convenience seems to become so much easier and the way of life. After all this research I've been doing over the past few weeks. I've learned that there is a lot of room for improvement in my diet and exercise. I also need to find a way to alleviate the stresses of life. I need to make the time and the commitment to a healthier lifestyle. I recommend this to everyone! It might be hard at first but once you get use to it, it will become the way of life. What you feed your body is so important! Dr. Otto Warburg a Nobel Prize winner in 1931 stated that no disease can live in a oxygen rich environment. It makes sense, huh? We can provide our bodies with oxygen with live foods, so load up on those fruits and veggies, drink lots of water, and get your body moving. Bottom line take care of your body, it's all we have.

I know that I didn't cause my cancer but experts say cancer is contributed to a break down of your immune system. So, I could help my body build up it's immune system now and help it get better and just maybe if I had practiced this before who knows. Cancer is still such a mystery to everyone. I just feel the need to take control of something and adapting a new healthier lifestyle for me and my family is a way that I can help. A way I can feel in control again.

Okay on to the deeper topic...

Religion...I'm so going way out of my comfort zone with this post but oh well, here it is...

I've been around religion all my life. I was raised catholic, went to catholic school for grade K-6. Went to church on occasion, have to admit was never a every week kinda person. But you cross paths, you met someone, God is there always and I believe he has lead me in every direction that has brought me here today. I'm going through this trial for a reason. I'm not sure why and it might not have anything to do with me. But one day it will be clear and hopefully it serves a purpose so worth it all!

I do believe that God has been trying to talk to me for while. But I was too stubborn, stupid or blind to see and listen. I believe that a few times he whispered, then sent gentle signs, and then some very obvious signs. Like a big red arrow pointing to a airport chapel after a 2 hour flight with a friend and a deep religious conversation. I heard the whispers, saw the signs but didn't really pay too much attention. Someone asked well did you go into the chapel when yo saw the arrow. I said no. He even sent angels in forms of family, friends, and even co-workers. But now he has hit me over the head...he has my undivided attention. My only concern is why has he being talking to me and now why do I have cancer. Is it because my time in near or is it because I have more work to do.

Over the past several years things have happen to lead me closer to him. It's a really long story but to put things in a nut shell...it's funny how things unfold. I met Alex who was also catholic and during our preparation for marriage we started attending church together. As our relationship developed, I think our relationship with God and our faith strengthen as well together. His mother's tremendous faith even though honestly was a little overwhelming to me at first. It was just not something that I use to and was not comfortable with. Honestly even though I always had religion in my life and I considered myself a believer, it's was something that I felt more that I had to not necessary b/c I wanted to. And honestly the whole concept frighten me, it still kinda frightens me. I don't know why, I thinks it's b/c I don't feel educated enough. But with my mother-in-laws commitment and faith..it helped educated me more and spark curiosity. I then had children and I want to instill good morals, values, and faith in them. We had them baptized and started taking them to church. I started a home-based business a few years ago, I did this to do something part time and to help contribute financially to my family. But WOW...I've gotten so much more than that. The women that I work with closely our wonderful sweet christian women. Again their tremendous faith sparked even more curiosity in me. I've have learned so much over the past year through them then I have in my whole life. And now that I've fighting cancer. I have gotten so much support and prayers. The generosity of others and them sharing their faith has shown me that God is great and that there are good people out there, who really care. People who have faith and are helping me learn and grow closer to God. Religion and Faith has become a priority in my life over the past year or so and especially over the past few months. I've become more curious, I've been reading the bible and other literature. I've been attended church more and I been apart a weekly bible study since the beginning of the year. I want to learn more about God and grow with him in my life. I now do this because it's something I want to do not because I have to. It's become a great sense of calm for me.

The list of people goes on and on that I want to offer my thanks to you. All of you who shared your faith , your words of inspiration and encouragement, all who read my blog, all of you who post comments, all who send cards and gifts, who call me, send emails. WOW! It's all I can say...Thank you so so much! All of you are truely wonderful gifts in my life and I honestly can not thank you enough!

I told you this was deep and sorry if it's too much for you but this is my journey! Cancer as horrible as it is, it has also has opened my eyes to the great gifts and good in my life. Awakenings that have and will continue to help me grow as a person. I have seen love and support from wonderful people, family, friends, and even strangers. I see good things in life despite all the bad. My spiritual journey even though started some time back has exploded into so much more. I feel alive, so alive despite that fact that I'm fighting for my life. Isn't' that funny! Ironic but I'll take it as another sign. I'm strong and fighting hard!