Hello, my bloggers, Is that what people who reads blogs are called? Or is that what I'm called. I don't know. I don't know Internet lingo...I didn't even know what YouTube was until a couple of weeks ago. I'm so disconnected from the outside world right now. My life is kids, radiation, kids, medical stuff, work and kids again. It's crazy busy. I feel like the energizer bunny...I keep going and going and going but I definitely don't have the energizer batteries in me. I'm so tired. But hey I'm not complaining, just telling you how it is...I love every minute of it..well I love the kid and work part. I don't like the radiation and medical stuff..I can't wait until it's over. Radiation is an everyday commitment and it's a pain in my rear! It takes 3 hours out of every day and most of that is driving time. But it's crucial to my recovery so I do it with pleasure but it's still a pain!

Anyways, I've missed you! I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I was starting to feel too vulnerable and embarrassed. I didn't really realize just how many people are actually reading this. I started to feel as if people I didn't even know, or even people I do know for that matter just knew too much about me. I don't know if that makes any sense but it 4am right now so who cares about all of that. I couldn't sleep and I feel inspired to write so here I am.

And even though, I'm so tired I can't sleep. I am so going to pay for this later. I have a show tonight...I hope I don't fall asleep during my presentation or have another "PDM" Public Display of Mental Breakdown. It's bad. I've had 2 in past few weeks. I've completely embarrassed myself. I think I've done a pretty good job of holding it all together so far or at least appeared to be okay from the outside and then breakdown at home or in the car. But I think the demands of radiation have tipped the barrel and the tears have been flowing. I told my mom that I feel like people think that I'm trying to "crying my way out of the speeding ticket" but it's not that at all. It's just that if I get the slightest bit upset watch out...get your umbrellas ready b/c once the tears start they keep coming.

Talk about vulnerability. At this point in my life I feel raw. That's the only way to describe it. I feel as if I've been strip down in public and I'm just exposed. My hair is gone, my breast is gone. I lay on this table at radiation exposed. I've exposed my thoughts on the Internet. I cry like an idiot in public. I just feel like I've been broken down to nothing. I do feel vulnerable and I miss my hair. And I can't even to begin to tell you the emotions, thoughts and feelings about losing my breast...that's a whole other show. But I do feel that when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. So I'm going to keep climbing up and one day I'll be out of this hole.

Even though every thing is good right now. Test results good, chemo done, radiation in progress. Things are looking good. They are and I'm so happy about that. But it's the emotional part that is still not so good. It's been a hard journey and I've gone through so much and it's not over yet. I tell myself I'm okay but sometimes I'm not okay. At 8:30am when Ella wakes up and I say good morning princess and she climbs into my lap, I'll be okay. Or at 9am when Pierce wakes up and he gives me a hug, I'll be okay. Or at 10am when my mom comes over to watch the kids, I'll be okay. Or at 5pm when Alex gets home, I'll be okay. Or at 7pm when I go to my show I'll be okay. Or when Ryder smiles at me, I'll be okay...but every other time of the day who knows if I'll be okay. I keep myself busy so that I can feel okay but the moment I stop being so busy...I don't know how I will feel. That is why I keep working, and playdates, and bible study, and book club and this and that b/c it makes me feel good. My friends and family say I'm doing too much...yeah maybe. But it's a fine line really. I'm doing what I need to do to feel better. I have cancer but I can't let the cancer have me. I'm still going to live my life and enjoy my life. And I'm resting at night when every body else is resting. And when I absolutely need those naps...trust me I take them. I love to sleep!

I know it's okay to have my moments of being sad and angry. I need to allow them to happen, it's healthy to cry and to release it but I rather be happy. I encourage everyone to find that thing that makes them happy and do it! Enjoy your life!