Thursday, April 29, 2010

I have so much to say, so much to do.....

Picture taken 4-17-10
3 year survivor and counting....I hope the cancer doesn't stop me......


It's that time a year again, where it marks the anniversary of my diagnosis! So many emotions to deal with. I'm so happy to be alive and well! I thank God for his grace and mercy in my life! I'm sad and still grieving of my life before cancer. I'm celebrating a new life after cancer. I feel accomplished in the the things that I have done over the past 3 years. I'm disappointed in the things that I still haven't done or changed. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm excited about the future!

I love my children so much! I want to hold and hug them all the time and never let go! But I know that I have too, they need to go to school and have play dates. I get mad at myself when I get frustrated with them. I scream inside my head......"don't be mean to them, you don't want them to hate you when you are gone" and the very next second, "you still have to parent them, that's your job and you're not going to do them any service if you give in or let them do whatever they want, it's your job to be there mother here and now!" Do you see this constant battle in my head. UGH!! I just hope that I am doing a good job.
I think about writing all the time, whether it's here on my blog or in the kid's journals, or in Alex's journal. I need to do it more. I'm want to make that commitment to myself. I want to them to know me. I want them to know that I love them.
~Jual