Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's been awhile....

Well, here we are in 2012! A year that has so much potential to be a really good, no great year! I have a trip planned to Punta Cana with my husband in the spring and I'm the maid of honor in 2 very special weddings. Sadly, the first 10 days haven't been good at all...

1. One of my New Year's resolutions, to try to have more authentic relationships has proven to back fire on me. 3 people popped into mind right away for me to start my quest of being more real. Turns out 2 of them didn't care too much about my authenticity. My thought behind this resolution was to be more open, honest, and true. And by doing this I hoped to strengthen my relationships. Well, with the first 2 people, I'm not so sure they liked what I had to say. Oh well, I said what I said out of love and concern and at least I was honest. I don't want to sit back and ignore things anymore or pretend that everything is ok. The 3rd person that came to mind, well I still haven't found the courage to be honest. We'll have to see how that one goes. I guess, I haven't decided yet if I care enough to go forward or do I just keep putting the band-aid over the issue. The first try didn't go so well, so maybe honestly isn't always the best policy. I have to put more thought into this New Year’s resolution.

2. Chemo is kicking my butt! I feel sick ALL the time and I'm tired of it! I keep spiking high fevers, dealing with unbearable nausea, headaches and just feeling blah! I believe I had a panic attack 2 days ago and last night I was in the ER because of my high fever. I followed up with my doctor today. The good news is that my tumor markers are going down! This means the chemo is working but the bad news is she wants me to continue this regimen. She suggested I start taking a steroid to help counter act some of the nasty side effects. The problem is, I don't want to take a steroid. To be honest, I fear that I will blow up like the marshmallow man and just look ridiculous in my bridesmaid dresses. I know this is vain but hey I don't care. I want to look good! Look good, feel good, right? Well, I caved today and took 1 pill. :-( I'm so mad because besides my vanity...I don't sleep on steroids. Hence, that fact that it's 2 am and I'm blogging. UGH!!!! I value my sleep! Oh and by the way...I still feel like crap. I'm going to give the steroids a fair shot but I'm thinking right now I much rather sleep off the nausea and look good in my dresses. LOL!

Well, now that I got that off my chest! Tomorrow is a new day! 2012 WILL be a great year!


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Race for the Cure....

This Saturday, I will be running in my first Komen Global Race for the Cure! I'm actually very excited about it! I've been training for it for awhile now and for the first time in my entire life, I feel good about my running ability! (That's ironic!) Can't wait to post the results!

About a month ago, Andrea Roane of channel 9 news (Washington DC) came out to my house and interviewed me. Andrea Roane is the spokesperson for Buddy Check 9 and is very passionate about awareness and early detection. Andrea has been covering breast cancer stories for over 15 years and she does a lot of coverage on the Race for the Cure. I'm so thankful that she gave me the opportunity to share my story!

People may or may not know this about me but I'm very shy!!! When I was young, I was painfully shy. I've come out of my cocoon a little bit as I've gotten older. Sometimes I fear that others might perceive me as maybe unfriendly or stuck up. But that is not the case at all, I'm just too scared to talk! lol! No, really I do not like to draw attention to myself. I would be perfectly content to be the wallflower at every social event! I like being quiet. To say the least after the interview, I was sick to my stomach with nerves for weeks!!! You know the butterfly feeling, well it lasted for weeks! I really wanted to crawl into a hole and hide! I didn't even tell a whole lot of people about the interview. But once it aired and some people I knew saw it, I knew I had to overcome my fears and share the piece! Well, I didn't have the choice not to share it, it was on TV...ha ha! But I was thinking that I could get by with out anybody I know seeing it. Well, I posted it on Facebook! You know sometimes it's either all or nothing. Nothing wasn't an option so why not spread it like wild fire! ;-)

Why do I get so nervous about things? Why am I so shy? I feared silly things like what did I look like, was my house presentable, did I speak properly, were the kids going to behave, the list goes on and on. I'm reminded myself that I am who I am and I can't change that. And besides that, it's really not about me. It's about the bigger picture, to help bring more awareness to this awful disease. I did the piece not to be on TV but in hopes that I would help other women (and men too) to be their own health advocate. I know it sounds so cliche but I also hoped to inspire others to try to maintain a positive outlook no matter what, to make the best of what you do have and not dwell on the stuff that just sucks! It's healthy to acknowledge the stuff the sucks, have a good cry once in awhile but don't let it rob you of the good things.

I don't know how long I will be here on this earth. But I do know that each day is a gift from God and while I'm here I'm going to enjoy every minute of it! I've been put in this circumstance for a reason. A reason that we may never understand but He does. God has a plan! I trust him!

Watch the clip! And thanks for the LOVE and support! Washington, DC One Young Mother's Battle Against Breast Cancer

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I have so much to say, so much to do.....

Picture taken 4-17-10
3 year survivor and counting....I hope the cancer doesn't stop me......

It's that time a year again, where it marks the anniversary of my diagnosis! So many emotions to deal with. I'm so happy to be alive and well! I thank God for his grace and mercy in my life! I'm sad and still grieving of my life before cancer. I'm celebrating a new life after cancer. I feel accomplished in the the things that I have done over the past 3 years. I'm disappointed in the things that I still haven't done or changed. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm excited about the future!

I love my children so much! I want to hold and hug them all the time and never let go! But I know that I have too, they need to go to school and have play dates. I get mad at myself when I get frustrated with them. I scream inside my head......"don't be mean to them, you don't want them to hate you when you are gone" and the very next second, "you still have to parent them, that's your job and you're not going to do them any service if you give in or let them do whatever they want, it's your job to be there mother here and now!" Do you see this constant battle in my head. UGH!! I just hope that I am doing a good job.
I think about writing all the time, whether it's here on my blog or in the kid's journals, or in Alex's journal. I need to do it more. I'm want to make that commitment to myself. I want to them to know me. I want them to know that I love them.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snow Much Fun!

Wow! We have had the snow storm of all snow storms. We have had 20+ inches in this area and have been stuck in the house for a week. No school, no work! Boredom has set in but I just have to remind myself that it is truly a blessing!!! How often to do we have the whole family together in one house for a week at a time. Nothing to do, no where to go!! It's great!!!!! So, I'm going to turn my frown upside down and enjoy this time...soon enough we will be back to the daily grind, rushing around from here to there! I'm thankful for the snow!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Challenges and Surprises!

2010 has been a great year so far! I had a follow up PET scan on Dec. 30. It had been 6 months since my last scan. In those six months, I had surgery to remove my ovaries. Well, it seems to be working! My PET scan report is an improvement from the one done in June!! Literally jumping for JOY!!

I started a new adventure. I challenged myself to run a 5K. I'm not a runner! I mean, I can run but never did long distance or got the breathing thing down. Well, my first 5k was a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day. I trained by running a few days a week on my treadmill in my basement. I never ran more than 1.5 miles at a time. So the big day came and I was terrified!!! My only goal was to run the race. I did not want to walk at all! I honestly DID NOT think I was going to be able to run the whole 3.2 miles. The race started, I took it easy. I wanted to try to keep an easy pace. I ran and ran and ran! To my surprise, I ran the entire race and in 32:30 minutes! WOW!! I really was on top of the world! So, I signed up for another race. I continued my training. This next race was on Jan. 3, it was called something like BRATZ FROZEN 5K! And it was freezing, temperature were in the single digits with winds of like 2o mph. It was a very bad idea!!! My goals was to just run it again. Well, I couldn't run the whole thing. The winds were so bad at one point, I started to walk to catch my breath. I walked for about 5 to 10 seconds. A nice young lady ran by me and said, oh you can do it...keep it up! So, I was pushed into running again. I finished the race. In a shocking discovery, I ran the race in 29:36 minutes. I took almost 2 minutes off my previous time! WOW! I'm really proud of myself. Is that ok to say? But despite the accomplishments of my 2 races, I honestly don't think I will continue to run. But never say never...we will see!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve 2009

A moment to reflect! It always strikes me funny that when in the act of making memories, it doesn't alway seem like much. But when I look back at my photos and scrapbooks, I'm in awe of what great times we had! Just another reminder to live in the moment, cherish each day!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Wonderful Christmas!

We simply had the most wonderful Christmas! All 3 birds are at a great age for all the magic and excitement of Christmas!

We started off the holiday Christmas Eve, we went to Uncle A and Aunt T's house. The Woodstocks (grandparents, new name given to them by medium bird) were there. We had a delicious lunch and opened presents. We had a lovely time! Thanks, Uncle A and Aunt T!

Afterwards we went to church. We went to Uncle A's church, St. Joe's. It had the most beautiful nativity scene that I have ever seen! I really enjoyed listening to the priest talk about the true meaning of the season. To celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ AND to spend quality time with our families! I loved that a priest said this! I love Christmas! It is the season to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ! I hold that number 1 reason to the highest standards but in that reason we have the number 2 reason to celebrate...Family! Not only did God give us his son but he also gave us family. They both equal LOVE! God loves us!!!

Christmas Eve night went to my Aunt T and Uncle F's house to celebrate with the Egan Clan! This has been a tradition in my family for many years! Some of the best memories of Christmas involve this celebration. There's like 100 of us and we all squish together in one house, there's laughter and hugs, there's old home movies, and there is so much love! I love my family to pieces and thank them for some great times!

We drive home to prepare for Santa Claus! On the way home, the kids look for Santa and Rudolph's nose in the sky! The same exact thing that I use to do as a child. I drive with a smile on my face! I'm so happy to be there in that moment!

We get home, put the cookies and milk out and the reindeer food. Ella writes a note to Santa, which we include a welcome to our house and a thank you! We need to show our gratitude, not just the gimmes. :-) Off to bed they go! I watch the last half hour of 'It's a Wonderful Life' and cry like a baby because it's so true!! Then I'm off to bed but right before, I check the Internet to see where Santa is....YES, I still believe!!!!!!!

I couldn't sleep all night! I was so excited!! Christmas morning is the most magical of all times. Miracles, hope, and joy! All you have to do is believe!

Finally at 6:30 AM, I get up! I make some coffee and read my bible...a little bit of quite Christmas prayer...

"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a ...sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Luke 2:8-12

Finally at 7:30 AM I hear someone up....could it be the kids?!?! No, just Al! He comes down the stairs and we share Merry Christmas, Honey! Then sit in silence for a few. I then jump up and say I'm going to wake them up! Am I the only parent that had to drag their kids out of bed at almost 8 in the morning!?!? What is wrong with these kids, don't they know it's Christmas....that Santa Claus came!?!?

So, every Christmas since princess was born....I walk down the stairs with my little birds in my arms, while Daddy has the video camera. All four of us walk around the corner and then they all run with laughter towards the Christmas Tree! Priceless!!! For the next hour we open presents. We hear....that's what I asked for! Santa was listening! I love this! Wow! What's this, I didn't ask for this? Thank you! I don't want this! The best reaction, I think was from little bird, Ry....when he opened his SLIPPERS!!! (The only thing he asked for this year.) LOL!! So cute!! We caught that on tape!!! Thank goodness!!!

We clean up, have some breakfast and wait for round 2 with The Woodstocks! Then round 3 with Grandma and Grandpa Beach and company!

We had a delicious dinner! And then another favorite part of the day. In my sunroom, gathered with my mom, sisters, and niece! We have some wine and just talk and laugh!! Again, I have smile on my face...just to be in that moment! These are the moments, when all the excitement has calmed down but it's still exciting, the moment when you are so thankful to be alive!

The night comes to an end! I'm sad because we have to wait a whole year to come and go before we can do this all over again. And I have that annoying thought again, will I be here again next year? I quickly suppress it and remember that I will not cry because it's over, I will smile because it happened!!

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas!!!