This time next week...I will be done with treatment! I'm so happy and relieved! It's been a terribly hard 8 months and I'm so thankful it's coming to an end. I'm healthy and happy! I've been cancer free now for 5 months. I plan to stay this way! I plan to live a long healthy life and I will enjoy every minute of it!
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! Your support to me has been a tremendous help and inspiration! I have been truly blessed to have all this wonderful support. My family and friends...is exactly what keeps me fighting!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Merry Christmas!!!
I only have 7 more radiation treatments to go! So with all the holiday breaks, I should finish up Jan. 4! I can't wait! My skin is really red and peeling. Ella says it's looks really disgusting and she is right! It's very sore and irritating but only a few more days and then it can heal up!!!
I've started a clinical trial with my medical oncologist. I will be in this study for the next 3 years. I will be monitored every 4-6 weeks, so I feel "safe"! The study is for women who's cancer is currently in remission. (That's what it reads but I haven't gotten the verbal words from a doctor, still waiting to hear those words!) The study is investigational and is being done to find out if adding a drug (a bisphophonate) to hormonal therapy or chemotherapy will help prevent cancer form spreading to the bones or other parts of the body. I will be in getting an IV injection of one of these drugs every month for the first six months, then every 3 months after that for the next 2 1/2 years. Like I said they will be monitoring me very closely!
My spirits have been pretty good these last couple of days...I guess it's the spirit of Christmas! This is one of my favorite times of year!
Take Care and God Bless!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Hello, my bloggers, Is that what people who reads blogs are called? Or is that what I'm called. I don't know. I don't know Internet lingo...I didn't even know what YouTube was until a couple of weeks ago. I'm so disconnected from the outside world right now. My life is kids, radiation, kids, medical stuff, work and kids again. It's crazy busy. I feel like the energizer bunny...I keep going and going and going but I definitely don't have the energizer batteries in me. I'm so tired. But hey I'm not complaining, just telling you how it is...I love every minute of it..well I love the kid and work part. I don't like the radiation and medical stuff..I can't wait until it's over. Radiation is an everyday commitment and it's a pain in my rear! It takes 3 hours out of every day and most of that is driving time. But it's crucial to my recovery so I do it with pleasure but it's still a pain!
Anyways, I've missed you! I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I was starting to feel too vulnerable and embarrassed. I didn't really realize just how many people are actually reading this. I started to feel as if people I didn't even know, or even people I do know for that matter just knew too much about me. I don't know if that makes any sense but it 4am right now so who cares about all of that. I couldn't sleep and I feel inspired to write so here I am.
And even though, I'm so tired I can't sleep. I am so going to pay for this later. I have a show tonight...I hope I don't fall asleep during my presentation or have another "PDM" Public Display of Mental Breakdown. It's bad. I've had 2 in past few weeks. I've completely embarrassed myself. I think I've done a pretty good job of holding it all together so far or at least appeared to be okay from the outside and then breakdown at home or in the car. But I think the demands of radiation have tipped the barrel and the tears have been flowing. I told my mom that I feel like people think that I'm trying to "crying my way out of the speeding ticket" but it's not that at all. It's just that if I get the slightest bit upset watch out...get your umbrellas ready b/c once the tears start they keep coming.
Talk about vulnerability. At this point in my life I feel raw. That's the only way to describe it. I feel as if I've been strip down in public and I'm just exposed. My hair is gone, my breast is gone. I lay on this table at radiation exposed. I've exposed my thoughts on the Internet. I cry like an idiot in public. I just feel like I've been broken down to nothing. I do feel vulnerable and I miss my hair. And I can't even to begin to tell you the emotions, thoughts and feelings about losing my breast...that's a whole other show. But I do feel that when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. So I'm going to keep climbing up and one day I'll be out of this hole.
Even though every thing is good right now. Test results good, chemo done, radiation in progress. Things are looking good. They are and I'm so happy about that. But it's the emotional part that is still not so good. It's been a hard journey and I've gone through so much and it's not over yet. I tell myself I'm okay but sometimes I'm not okay. At 8:30am when Ella wakes up and I say good morning princess and she climbs into my lap, I'll be okay. Or at 9am when Pierce wakes up and he gives me a hug, I'll be okay. Or at 10am when my mom comes over to watch the kids, I'll be okay. Or at 5pm when Alex gets home, I'll be okay. Or at 7pm when I go to my show I'll be okay. Or when Ryder smiles at me, I'll be okay...but every other time of the day who knows if I'll be okay. I keep myself busy so that I can feel okay but the moment I stop being so busy...I don't know how I will feel. That is why I keep working, and playdates, and bible study, and book club and this and that b/c it makes me feel good. My friends and family say I'm doing too much...yeah maybe. But it's a fine line really. I'm doing what I need to do to feel better. I have cancer but I can't let the cancer have me. I'm still going to live my life and enjoy my life. And I'm resting at night when every body else is resting. And when I absolutely need those naps...trust me I take them. I love to sleep!
I know it's okay to have my moments of being sad and angry. I need to allow them to happen, it's healthy to cry and to release it but I rather be happy. I encourage everyone to find that thing that makes them happy and do it! Enjoy your life!
Anyways, I've missed you! I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I was starting to feel too vulnerable and embarrassed. I didn't really realize just how many people are actually reading this. I started to feel as if people I didn't even know, or even people I do know for that matter just knew too much about me. I don't know if that makes any sense but it 4am right now so who cares about all of that. I couldn't sleep and I feel inspired to write so here I am.
And even though, I'm so tired I can't sleep. I am so going to pay for this later. I have a show tonight...I hope I don't fall asleep during my presentation or have another "PDM" Public Display of Mental Breakdown. It's bad. I've had 2 in past few weeks. I've completely embarrassed myself. I think I've done a pretty good job of holding it all together so far or at least appeared to be okay from the outside and then breakdown at home or in the car. But I think the demands of radiation have tipped the barrel and the tears have been flowing. I told my mom that I feel like people think that I'm trying to "crying my way out of the speeding ticket" but it's not that at all. It's just that if I get the slightest bit upset watch out...get your umbrellas ready b/c once the tears start they keep coming.
Talk about vulnerability. At this point in my life I feel raw. That's the only way to describe it. I feel as if I've been strip down in public and I'm just exposed. My hair is gone, my breast is gone. I lay on this table at radiation exposed. I've exposed my thoughts on the Internet. I cry like an idiot in public. I just feel like I've been broken down to nothing. I do feel vulnerable and I miss my hair. And I can't even to begin to tell you the emotions, thoughts and feelings about losing my breast...that's a whole other show. But I do feel that when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. So I'm going to keep climbing up and one day I'll be out of this hole.
Even though every thing is good right now. Test results good, chemo done, radiation in progress. Things are looking good. They are and I'm so happy about that. But it's the emotional part that is still not so good. It's been a hard journey and I've gone through so much and it's not over yet. I tell myself I'm okay but sometimes I'm not okay. At 8:30am when Ella wakes up and I say good morning princess and she climbs into my lap, I'll be okay. Or at 9am when Pierce wakes up and he gives me a hug, I'll be okay. Or at 10am when my mom comes over to watch the kids, I'll be okay. Or at 5pm when Alex gets home, I'll be okay. Or at 7pm when I go to my show I'll be okay. Or when Ryder smiles at me, I'll be okay...but every other time of the day who knows if I'll be okay. I keep myself busy so that I can feel okay but the moment I stop being so busy...I don't know how I will feel. That is why I keep working, and playdates, and bible study, and book club and this and that b/c it makes me feel good. My friends and family say I'm doing too much...yeah maybe. But it's a fine line really. I'm doing what I need to do to feel better. I have cancer but I can't let the cancer have me. I'm still going to live my life and enjoy my life. And I'm resting at night when every body else is resting. And when I absolutely need those naps...trust me I take them. I love to sleep!
I know it's okay to have my moments of being sad and angry. I need to allow them to happen, it's healthy to cry and to release it but I rather be happy. I encourage everyone to find that thing that makes them happy and do it! Enjoy your life!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a lot to thankful for, all the love and support that I have gotten over the past few months. It's just amazing! It has made me strong and has helped me fight this battle!
My beautiful children, my wonderful husband! The best family and friends!
Thank you!!!!
God Bless You!!
My beautiful children, my wonderful husband! The best family and friends!
Thank you!!!!
God Bless You!!
Friday, November 2, 2007
It's been awhile...
Hi Everyone!
Today, I go for my radiation planning! I will end chemo on Nov. 8 and start radiation on Nov. 14! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel...only a few more weeks!!!
I've been so busy lately. Life seems to be getting back to "normal"! Which is wonderful! I have one more week of chemo!!! Yippy!!! I'm so excited but very nervous at the same time! About 2 weeks ago we stopped the Taxol b/c I was experiencing neuropathy in my toes. It's temporary while on Taxol but could become permanent, so we stopped Taxol. I had a total of 9 rounds. We continued the Carboplatin and next week is my last treatment for a total of 6 rounds!!
Today, I go for my radiation planning! I will end chemo on Nov. 8 and start radiation on Nov. 14! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel...only a few more weeks!!!
In the last 2 weeks, I have also had 2 more scans. A MRI of the brain b/c I was having dizziness. The brain checked out great! Good News! We guess that the dizziness is either from being exhausted, hormones, or from the Taxol. It has gotten better since we stopped the Taxol. I also had another CT scan of chest and abdomen just to rule out everything with the dizziness and plus I've been having lower back pain. CT scan checked out great! More good news!!!
My oncologist and my surgeon seem to be happy with my progress! Hopefully things will stay smooth sailing from here on out!
The kids loved Halloween...we had a blast."Beauty and the Beast" got lots of candy! And Ryder slept in the Baby Bjorn! Ella is already talking about next year!!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Great News!!!!
We have great news to share!!! In April when I was first diagnosed, I had a tumor blood count of 96. On June 27 it was a 67. As of last Thursday, my tumor count is 18!!!!!!! A count 1-30 is considered normal!!! So I'm considered normal again!!! ;-) I'm so relieved!!
More good news...
Ryder is off his apnea monitor!!! He went for his re-evaluation and the last episode that was recorded was on Sept. 12 but it was nothing significant. So for 1 month there were no episodes recorded. He is free of monitor!!! Yippy! He weighs 9lbs. 12oz! WOW!
Thank you for all your prayers....they seem to be working!!! Thank you so much!!!!
Friday, October 5, 2007
Update....
Things seem to be slowing down a bit! Which is really nice because I need the rest! My chemo has been extending for another 4 weeks. My last day was suppose to be Oct. 11 but now it will be Nov. 8. No reason to be concerned about, it's just for dosage reasons. My doctor just wants me to get a full 12 rounds of Taxol and 8 rounds of Carbo. So this pushes back radiation to start the week of Nov. 12. I will have a PET scan sometime around the first of Nov. to re-evaluate my situation. I'm nervous about the PET scan but can't think about that now! I'll cross that bridge when I get there!
Ryder has 2 appts. next week, look for an update next week. A check-up with our pediatrician and a follow-up at Georgetown with the apnea clinic. I hope they take him off the monitor. It makes people nervous. I like it b/c if something were to go wrong, like if he stopped breathing, we'd know about it right away and could do something immediately. Even though I want him to off for convenience purposes, I'm nervous about having him off b/c then I'll be checking on him every 2 minutes to see if he is breathing.
Ella loves school!!!!!!!!!! She is so excited and wants to go everyday! She is learning so much and tells me all about it! We finally convinced her to get her haircut. She didn't want "to cut her hair all off", I think she thought we were going to cut her hair like mine. But somehow we got her there with no fight and she looks adorable. She is such a joy to me, always giving me hugs and kisses. She tells me everyday that my boo-boos will go away soon! She is my own special little cheerleader!
Pierce is talking about a storm, everyday he learns how to say a new word and loves to share it with us. He likes to sing and dance with The Wiggles. He is an eating machine....loves to eat and wants to eat constantly. Pierce has realized that Ryder is here to stay...he's very loving and wants to kiss him all the time but when I'm feeding Ryder, Pierce wants to hug and snuggle with mommy too. So I have to hold both my babies when feeling Ryder. It's quiet cute!
I have had a lot of swelling in my arm and we are concerned about developing Lymphedema. This is a condition of localized fluid retention caused by a compromised lymphatic system. It's not too bad right now but I'm going to go get fitted for a compression sleeve to help alleviate some of the swelling. Especially since I will be flying a couple of times in the next few months for work and the cabin pressure can increase the swelling, the sleeve will help decrease the swelling during flight. Just another not so wonderful thing that has entered my life since the big C word.
But for every not so wonderful thing that has entered in my life, I look for the other very wonderful things in my life! And trust me I have a lot more wonderful thing than not so wonderful. I'm very blessed and thank God for that everyday!
Take care!
Ryder has 2 appts. next week, look for an update next week. A check-up with our pediatrician and a follow-up at Georgetown with the apnea clinic. I hope they take him off the monitor. It makes people nervous. I like it b/c if something were to go wrong, like if he stopped breathing, we'd know about it right away and could do something immediately. Even though I want him to off for convenience purposes, I'm nervous about having him off b/c then I'll be checking on him every 2 minutes to see if he is breathing.
Ella loves school!!!!!!!!!! She is so excited and wants to go everyday! She is learning so much and tells me all about it! We finally convinced her to get her haircut. She didn't want "to cut her hair all off", I think she thought we were going to cut her hair like mine. But somehow we got her there with no fight and she looks adorable. She is such a joy to me, always giving me hugs and kisses. She tells me everyday that my boo-boos will go away soon! She is my own special little cheerleader!
Pierce is talking about a storm, everyday he learns how to say a new word and loves to share it with us. He likes to sing and dance with The Wiggles. He is an eating machine....loves to eat and wants to eat constantly. Pierce has realized that Ryder is here to stay...he's very loving and wants to kiss him all the time but when I'm feeding Ryder, Pierce wants to hug and snuggle with mommy too. So I have to hold both my babies when feeling Ryder. It's quiet cute!
I have had a lot of swelling in my arm and we are concerned about developing Lymphedema. This is a condition of localized fluid retention caused by a compromised lymphatic system. It's not too bad right now but I'm going to go get fitted for a compression sleeve to help alleviate some of the swelling. Especially since I will be flying a couple of times in the next few months for work and the cabin pressure can increase the swelling, the sleeve will help decrease the swelling during flight. Just another not so wonderful thing that has entered my life since the big C word.
But for every not so wonderful thing that has entered in my life, I look for the other very wonderful things in my life! And trust me I have a lot more wonderful thing than not so wonderful. I'm very blessed and thank God for that everyday!
Take care!
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