I'm getting more comfortable with not wearing scarves...now that a little hair has grown back!
I must be delirious!
I need musical notes, I was getting ready to write and looked at the clock, it's 3am...and matchbox 20 popped into my head.
Chemo tomorrow...took my steroids and can't sleep, extremely tired! 3 kids, treatment, surgery, postpartum, and nightly feedings...I don't know why I'm so tired?
I met with a fabulous radiation oncologist today....have decided that I want to see her for my radiation therapy at Reston Hospital...just now need to line up childcare for this. I have to do radiation every day, M-F for 7 weeks, it's going to be tough but we will get through it!
I try to stay positive and pray. But the fear is always there...I hate it! All the what if's run through my head and it just breaks my heart. Cancer is tough but I have to remain strong, I am tougher. I can beat this! I can be one of those women who live 20, 30, 40 years after cancer, right? Why not?
My arm is still very sore from surgery and because of this for the first time since I was diagnosed, I feel "sick". I feel like a cancer patient. The physical reminder that I'm going though the fight for my life.
I feel bad because my family and friends have been so worried about me. I feel bad for the tremendous amount of stress that this has placed on my family! I feel bad b/c my family's lives have been turned upside down. My poor husband! (Oh by the way, who happens to be the most amazing, wonderful man ever!) He's picking up the slack around the house and now back at work. My mom and sisters missing work, Alex missing work, my kids routine disrupted, my in laws traveling back and forth. It's just all too much! It makes me so angry....why, why, why!!! Why are we being put through the ringer. What did I do wrong? What causes cancer?
Do people think I'm going to die...am I? I want to see my kids grow up! I want to grow old with my husband. I want to see Sara get married! I have plans, I have dreams...I'm not going to let this cancer stop me! I can't...I ask God everyday for healing, a cure. But is this too much to ask? What if it's not his plan? All my life I couldn't wait to be a mom...now I have 3 beautiful children...that I absolutely adore and my life is threaten. I could be taken away from them, ripped away from my babies! And then my husband would be left with the burden of having to raise 3 kids by himself. We are such a good team together...we need to be together! I love him so much...I've only had a few years with him...it not nearly enough! I want to have a 50th wedding anniversary!
Everything in my life is great...I'm so happy except for cancer! Cancer has invaded my life and it's horrible! My new normal is having to go to doctor appts. after doctor appts. I just want to spend as much time with my kids as possible and live a long healthy life. It's funny that the very thing that is saving my life (treatment) is also taking me away from my kids 2 to 3 times a week. I switched my chemo day to Thursday b/c Ella will be in preschool on Thursdays...I'm going to go to chemo and come back before she gets home so that it's one less day that I'm away from her.
The constant struggle of traveling to doctors, scheduling babysitters, trying to be normal, keeping up with my lia sophia business, and dealing emotionally. It's catching up but like I said sadly it's becoming the "new normal" and even though it's crazy it's the very thing that keeps me going! I just continue to do the things that I love...being a mom, spending time with my family, doing lia sophia, snuggling with Riley, and spending time with friends. This is my alternative medicine...being me!
Well, I'm babbling on and on....need to try to go back to sleep before Ryder wakes up again!
Thanks for reading...aka listening! Take Care!
:-)
16 comments:
Jual, I know why you’re tired! “3 kids, treatment, surgery, postpartum, and nightly feeding” My momma didn’t raise no dummy!
I wish that we were closer so we could help out with watching the kids when you go to treatment, but I know that those who are close to you (distance-wise) will help you. Shelly and Tim want to help. Rachael. Kathi & John. It’ll work out.
I don’t know if Alex shared with you the excerpt from our Sunday bulletin that I shared with him earlier this week. She (Paige Byrne Shortal) started by saying how wonderful that everything was in her life right now. Then she said:
“This is the time to build memories to rest on when life is hard. There will be a phone call in the middle of the night. There will be a lump or a fever or a vague sense of weariness heralding something more serious. There will be a cancelled contract, a company merger, a storm, a war. Acts of God and acts of men and women beyond our influence will change our lives. Someday. Somehow.
When this happens, I hope I can remember phrases from today’s second reading. Endure your trials as discipline. Discipline always seems rather painful at the time, but it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Lift your drooping hands. Strengthen your weak knees. What is lame will be healed.
I hope I remember God is present in hard times. God does not send trials as punishment but walks with us when we struggle. God cradles us when we weep. God knows the end of the story, and it’s a very happy ending indeed.”
Jual, anyone would be afraid with what you’re going through. God knows that. Saint Mother Teresa knew about fear and doubt. So do a lot of other saints. Jesus said “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?” He felt what you and Saint Mother Teresa were feeling. Surrender to God and fight with all your strength for you and your family. God is with you. He is cradling you and He’ll be walking with you every step of the way.
And, I like your “do”. You look marvelous! Alex is a very lucky man!
Love,
Uncle Ray & Aunt Jenny
Dearest Jual,
PLEASE let us help! I was only lucky enough to have one amazing child, but he is 12 now. I left work in May for the summer, and now that Kyle will be back in school next week, I am available whenever you need, for whatever you need most.
I want to tell you Kyle & I visited the National Shrine yesterday afternoon & prayed for you...I had not been since going with my parents (Aunt Jenny & Uncle Ray) & it was Kyle's first visit. All the beautiful images there remind you of God's great love & sacrifice for us -- your prayers & the ones from all the others that love you will not go unheard.
So, please, I would love to help watch your little ones, run errands, give rides, fold laundry, whatever - just give me the word.
Love,
Shelly, Tim & Kyle (+ pugs Rupert & Fiona)
Jual,
I'm right down the road from Reston Hospital so if you need a friend or someone to watch the kids I'm here. Not sure you want to pack them up to take with you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm here. I think about you all the time, and how strong you and your family are. I keep praying for you, keep your head up! God Bless!
Love,
Phil, Abbey, Ashley and Kaitlyn
Jual,
This is NOT the norm for you this is a temporary moment in your life. You have too much to give and too much yet to come your way. Keep at it!!!! Every day is one day closer to the REAL NORM for you!!!! You know.... cleaning,slaving over the stove, snapping at the kids, having "heated discussions" with your husband.... you know, all that fun stuff!!! Hee hee!
Angie
Oh my gosh, what an array of emotions you must go through on a daily basis...that alone would exhaust anyone! Jual, you are so amazing and beautiful...I am in awe of you, your family, your kids, your strength. Please try not to feel bad about worrying everyone!! First off, it is out of your control...we are all going to worry! We love you! You focus that energy on getting well, and taking care of your adorable, precious kids! Sending lots of love and prayers your way...the Turners, Amber, Jeff, and Kenden
Jual,
You are such an inspiration!! You always seem to face everything you're going through with such grace and optimism, but it's ok to feel scared! This is just a temporary journey for you, and each day you're getting closer and closer to being cancer free!! All your tests came back with such great results, now you just have to take the final steps with chemo and radiation! You're so young and strong and you can and WILL fight this!!!! You keep fighting and we'll keep praying!!!
Love,
Marc, Nicole, Madison, Peyton, & Jackson
My dearest Jual,
As I have said before and I will say again because I am Pollyanna. (That story was written after me you know!) Look for the good in all your negative tests results and then add to the fact that all of the prayers being said and you will have your answer. YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE! Just stay strong, do what you have to do with your treatments and everything will be just fine! And please stop worrying about the rest of us, we will survive this also. Just concentrate on getting well and back to "normal" (are any of us normal?) I love you and I know these things because I am your momma!
Normal is just a setting on your dryer! You will look back on this and be so proud of yourself for being so strong and for beating that lousy cancer!
Your hair looks great. Be proud of that too :)
We love you!
Marnie
Jual,
you are an awesome person to have endured this much thus far- we are all here right behind you, so keep staying strong.
you & your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
we love you!!
Cheryl & Chris
Hi Jual,
I am so sorry you are having a rough day, but that's all it is, believe me. You have been though a lot over the past two months & maybe everything is just now sinking in.
The steroids are powerful drugs and they cause depression. So if you're having a down day, the steroids could have made you feel a little worse. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have been through more than most of us have experienced in a lifetime!
And as far as you family and friends go, believe me they want to help in whatever way they can: prayers, a hug, an ear, a cry and of course those tears of joy, babysitting, cleaning your house. They probably have wished they could switch places with you too!
It's kinda wierd, but when you have cancer, people sometimes don't know have the words to express their feelings, but they want to help you out in any way. My old college friend opened up her home to us for almost six months and her friends said prayers, cooked meals, sent cards, and a special mass was said for Russ. I started feeling guilty as if I were taking advantage of the situation! A word to the wise, swallow the ego, get over it, and let them help!
I had the same some of the same fears you have, except Russ was the patient and I was the caregiver. Then I felt guilty because I thought I was just feeling sorry for myself & us. I'm not ready to let go of Russ we haven't been married long enough! That's why you have to keep pushing on, and keep up the great fight. Have a good cry to get it out of your system, and then refocus on your three beautiful babies, your husband, extended family and wonderful friends.
One positive note from our experience was that it brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. We have such a deep understanding and appreciation for one another and for life itself. We have a special bond that was developed when we went through cancer "together" and it's as if we have received a special gift.
Allow Alex to help in whatever way he can, and make sure you are open and honest with him. He knows how you are feeling, you can't hide it from him!
Remember your motto:
LIVE LIFE, LOVE MUCH, LAUGH OFTEN
We love you. Take care.
Teresa & Russ
Dearest Jual,
Thank you for the gift of sharing your deepest hopes, fears, doubts and dreams with all of us. What a great privilege to pray for you (Alex, Ella, J. P. and Ryder too).
The pictures of you, Alex, and “your babies” say so much. The beauty on the inside, as well as the outside, is so clear in each one of you. What a precious gift you and Alex received from Him on your wedding day!
Your “little Harman gems” are so young and that can be exhausting all on its own – even though it’s a labor of love! You’ve just had a baby and your body is being assaulted with chemo – and it’s ok to be mad, tired or scared. Sharing yourself so deeply with all who know and love you, strengthens our desire even more to pray without ceasing.
Thank you for all that you give us. Thank you for your moments of joy and your moments of sorrow. Thank you for loving Alex. Thank you for saying yes to God’s gift of your 3 gems. Thank you to your Mom & Dad for having raised a strong, beautiful woman. God is good.
All our love and hugs,
Aunt Jenny & Uncle Ray
You are being prayed for by those who you don't even know...bless you and congratulations on all the "Forward progress" - run the race, look up and not behind, know you are blessed ~ and remember, it is not how long you have been married in years - it is how long you have been married in what you have been through together. Sounds like you all are on a wonderful long term marriage. Bless you, and your children.
You're absolutely right- it's not fair! You've never done anything to deserve this. When I think of injustices like yours, I try to remember that I don't understand God's full plan yet and I pray that one day I will!
Be angry- go ahead, noone will blame you or feel any burden! But also try to remember to stay hopeful. Don't despair because God hasn't given up on you!
By the way- you have a babysitter RIGHT HERE! I would adore getting my hands on those beautiful babies!!! :) All you have to do is call... (but call Angie first to get my number- hee hee)
Love, Aimee
you look like lynn!
tory
aunt Jual its kelsie i wish i could spend my life with u may god be with you and bless your soul
love,
kelsie
aunt Jual its kelsie i wish i could spend my life with u may god be with you and bless your soul
love,
kelsie
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