Chemo update...

I'm trying to get more pics of Pierce but he is not having it these days. He's on the go, never sits still! So funny and cute! Of coarse, Ella is a ham and loves to have her pictures taken, especially with her baby Ryder!

After chemo last week, I felt very tired. I'm still very tired. I was feeling sick all day Sunday. I just didn't feel very well, it could have been from the chemo or something else. It's hard to tell these days which end is up. The taxol I think makes me very achy and I think the new combo left me exhausted. The good news is....Only 3 more weeks of chemo and then on to radiation. 10 weeks left total, almost done! Hopefully I'll be rocking in the new year free of cancer and treatment and moving on to a new chapter in my life!

My arm is much better, the cording is almost gone and the range of motion is great! I still have a lot of muscle tension. If only I could get a massage, it would be wonderful. But my oncologist has suggested to stay away from massage for now until we repeat scans. B/c of the inflammatory aspect of the cancer, there is some thought that massage could help spread the cancer. And we don't want that, so I'm dealing with the muscle tension.

Ryder is still on his apnea monitor but goes back on October 11 for a re-evaluation. He's monitor has not alarmed in a few weeks. So hopefully he can come off the monitor on the 11th. He's gaining weight, eating well, and sleeping well. He's getting big, getting those chubby checks...soo cute! He's just a sweet blessing! I'm so thankful that he's healthy and here in my life!

An Awakening!!

Literally...Ryder woke up at 4am...I fed him and changed him he is back to sleep but now I'm awake. I feel kinda funny and I think it's b/c of chemo yesterday. My body feels achy and I feel the need to take deep breaths. I finally came downstairs to make a delicious glutamine drink. A powder that is recommended to help with muscle and joint pain that comes along with the Taxol. I started carboplatin yesterday in addition to the Taxol. So the combination may take a toll on me. So as I enjoy my nice grainy drink this morning...I want to share some thoughts...

I feel like I've been slapped in the face sometimes. Wake up!! What have you been?! I've been in the dark and now I'm awake. Let's just hope it's not too late, I want a second chance. I hope for this second chance!

I have had 2 awakenings...okay warning this is a deep post and a little out of my comfort zone but feel the need to write it down and share.

Let's talk about the less deep topic first. This whole healthy lifestyle thing. I'm mean where have I been?! It just seems so simple. Eat healthy, exercise and try to alleviate stress. It's so good for you. I've always thought that I ate pretty healthy and I'd work out on occasion. But life gets busy and you don't make time, convenience seems to become so much easier and the way of life. After all this research I've been doing over the past few weeks. I've learned that there is a lot of room for improvement in my diet and exercise. I also need to find a way to alleviate the stresses of life. I need to make the time and the commitment to a healthier lifestyle. I recommend this to everyone! It might be hard at first but once you get use to it, it will become the way of life. What you feed your body is so important! Dr. Otto Warburg a Nobel Prize winner in 1931 stated that no disease can live in a oxygen rich environment. It makes sense, huh? We can provide our bodies with oxygen with live foods, so load up on those fruits and veggies, drink lots of water, and get your body moving. Bottom line take care of your body, it's all we have.

I know that I didn't cause my cancer but experts say cancer is contributed to a break down of your immune system. So, I could help my body build up it's immune system now and help it get better and just maybe if I had practiced this before who knows. Cancer is still such a mystery to everyone. I just feel the need to take control of something and adapting a new healthier lifestyle for me and my family is a way that I can help. A way I can feel in control again.

Okay on to the deeper topic...

Religion...I'm so going way out of my comfort zone with this post but oh well, here it is...

I've been around religion all my life. I was raised catholic, went to catholic school for grade K-6. Went to church on occasion, have to admit was never a every week kinda person. But you cross paths, you met someone, God is there always and I believe he has lead me in every direction that has brought me here today. I'm going through this trial for a reason. I'm not sure why and it might not have anything to do with me. But one day it will be clear and hopefully it serves a purpose so worth it all!

I do believe that God has been trying to talk to me for while. But I was too stubborn, stupid or blind to see and listen. I believe that a few times he whispered, then sent gentle signs, and then some very obvious signs. Like a big red arrow pointing to a airport chapel after a 2 hour flight with a friend and a deep religious conversation. I heard the whispers, saw the signs but didn't really pay too much attention. Someone asked well did you go into the chapel when yo saw the arrow. I said no. He even sent angels in forms of family, friends, and even co-workers. But now he has hit me over the head...he has my undivided attention. My only concern is why has he being talking to me and now why do I have cancer. Is it because my time in near or is it because I have more work to do.

Over the past several years things have happen to lead me closer to him. It's a really long story but to put things in a nut shell...it's funny how things unfold. I met Alex who was also catholic and during our preparation for marriage we started attending church together. As our relationship developed, I think our relationship with God and our faith strengthen as well together. His mother's tremendous faith even though honestly was a little overwhelming to me at first. It was just not something that I use to and was not comfortable with. Honestly even though I always had religion in my life and I considered myself a believer, it's was something that I felt more that I had to not necessary b/c I wanted to. And honestly the whole concept frighten me, it still kinda frightens me. I don't know why, I thinks it's b/c I don't feel educated enough. But with my mother-in-laws commitment and faith..it helped educated me more and spark curiosity. I then had children and I want to instill good morals, values, and faith in them. We had them baptized and started taking them to church. I started a home-based business a few years ago, I did this to do something part time and to help contribute financially to my family. But WOW...I've gotten so much more than that. The women that I work with closely our wonderful sweet christian women. Again their tremendous faith sparked even more curiosity in me. I've have learned so much over the past year through them then I have in my whole life. And now that I've fighting cancer. I have gotten so much support and prayers. The generosity of others and them sharing their faith has shown me that God is great and that there are good people out there, who really care. People who have faith and are helping me learn and grow closer to God. Religion and Faith has become a priority in my life over the past year or so and especially over the past few months. I've become more curious, I've been reading the bible and other literature. I've been attended church more and I been apart a weekly bible study since the beginning of the year. I want to learn more about God and grow with him in my life. I now do this because it's something I want to do not because I have to. It's become a great sense of calm for me.

The list of people goes on and on that I want to offer my thanks to you. All of you who shared your faith , your words of inspiration and encouragement, all who read my blog, all of you who post comments, all who send cards and gifts, who call me, send emails. WOW! It's all I can say...Thank you so so much! All of you are truely wonderful gifts in my life and I honestly can not thank you enough!

I told you this was deep and sorry if it's too much for you but this is my journey! Cancer as horrible as it is, it has also has opened my eyes to the great gifts and good in my life. Awakenings that have and will continue to help me grow as a person. I have seen love and support from wonderful people, family, friends, and even strangers. I see good things in life despite all the bad. My spiritual journey even though started some time back has exploded into so much more. I feel alive, so alive despite that fact that I'm fighting for my life. Isn't' that funny! Ironic but I'll take it as another sign. I'm strong and fighting hard!

Therapy!

I want to share with you some of my therapy techniques. The "real" kind and then my kind. The real kind is the kind that is actually being facilitated by a medical professional and then my kind is what helps me carry on, on a daily basis.

The real kind:
1. Physical Therapy: I'm going twice a week to help get the range of motion back and to help with the "cording" of my lymphatic system. I have a lymphatic vessel that is so tight I can't extend my arm out all the way. It's tight b/c it's working over time to help get the flow function back to normal after surgery and the removal of the lymph nodes. It's getting a little better every day and the physical therapy is helping a lot!

2. Mental Therapy: I do see a counselor twice a month. She is great and has been a huge help and support to me! She is an oncology specialist and is very educated on breast cancer and treatment of breast cancer. It's wonderful to go there and chat about fears, ask questions, and get honest answers. She has been a great resource for me. It's also nice to talk about the things that I don't want to necessary talk about sometimes with my family and friends.

Now my kind:
1. Positive Thinking and Visualization: I'm been very positive. Thinking of the future and believing that I have one. Telling myself that I can beat this. Why not? People with stage III and IV cancer survive all the time. I going to be that person! I'm going to survive. I've also been practicing visualization...I visualize the chemo entering in my body and scooping up all the cancer cells. Hopefully this will help kill all remaining cancer cells.

2. Music Therapy: WOW! This has always been a great source of therapy for me. I love lyrics, the stories or advice that songs give us. I always have theme songs to help me through times, good and bad. It's very powerful, a simple song can make my day better! Here a few that I listen to everyday! I listen to them loud and I sing along, an amazing thing for me to do. I even use certain lines in my positive thinking technique.

Song, Artist, Line
Move Along, All American Rejects, the whole song really but "Right Back What is Wrong!"
3 Little Birds, Bob Marley, "Every thing's going to be alright" b/c of my 3 little birds.
Just Wait, Blues Travelers, "It will come" I have to believe that one day, I will be cancer free!

I'm trying to "right back what is wrong". I'm doing everything in my power to help fight this horrible, scary disease. I'm doing all the treatments advise by my doctors. I'm changing my diet. I'm increasing veggie and fruit intake, increasing whole grains, beans, and nuts, cutting out sugar, no red meat, range-free chicken, organic everything. I'm giving up foods that I love and exploring veggies. I'm cutting back on drinking if not quiting all together. I'm not a huge drinker but I do love my occasional wine or beer. But there is an association with alcohol and breast cancer, it raises your estrogen levels. And since my cancer is estrogen fed, well why feed it? Diet is a simple thing to do. It's a healthy life style and I'm willing to give it a try!

I pray and hope that 10 years from now, I'll look back at all of this and be amazed. I pray for a miracle. I'm inspired by my mother-in-law and her faith that miracles can and do happen.

Please, keep me in your prayers this week...My oncologist is adding a new chemo drug to my treatment in addition to the Taxol. I don't know all the details yet...so I'll post on Thursday. But hopefully the side effects won't be too bad. I'm already feeling the side effects from the Taxol. My toes have numbness, it's really weird. I've read about "chemo" brain and didn't really buy into it. But let me tell you...I have chemo brain. I forget everything. The other day I couldn't remember the word laundry, but maybe that's b/c I have piles of it and don't want to remember. I also have been really off balance, almost to the point of falling over. It's odd!

Well, I have to go to bed...I'm sooooooooooooo tired!!
Lots of Love!

I have more pictures to post...tune in on Thursday...can't find camera right now!

Ella loved school! When I went to drop her off she said "bye Mom, see you tomorrow!" She can't wait to go back! I of course missed her and couldn't wait to go back to get her!

I just wanted you all to know that I feel great! Other than being tried, I feel pretty healthy! Right now...I'm going to take more time to rest. When the kids nap..I'm going to nap and Alex and I are taking turns for the middle of the night feedings. My arm is getting better every day! My range of motion is getting better and I'm going to physical therapy. I have want might be "cording" in my ligaments maybe. I can't extend my arm all the way out. So, I'm actually going to get a 2nd opinion at Fairfax Hospital hopefully next week. My blood cuts have been great...last week almost perfect. I have chemo again today! Looking forward to taking a nap while I'm there! I'll let you know how I feel later!

Take care...

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!

Cancer really makes you value the little things...the things we usually take for granted!

I have really learned what matters the most over the past few months. Take the time to smell the roses. Take that vacation you always wanted. Spend time with your family, call that long lost friend. Be kind to others. Relax!

Express yourself...Hug your children, husband, wife, mother, father, siblings, friends. Tell your family that you love them. Tell your friends that you love them. Don't be afraid, don't hold back!

Don't take your health for granted! Eat right, exercise daily! Go to the doctors if you feel that something is wrong. Be your own advocate, be persistent. Get 2nd opinions! Don't make the same mistakes that I did, pay attention to your gut! Don't ignore classic symptoms of well know diseases.

Sometimes...I just wish I could go back in time. I would have been more persistent to have a mammogram or biopsy done. Maybe I could have caught the cancer early, at an earlier stage, less aggressive. Maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament that I am now. But everything happens for a reason, I guess. If I had caught it earlier maybe my precious baby wouldn't be here.

It's so unfair! I pray everyday and night that God heals me! That by some miracle...I make it through this. I can't die now...I have children to raise. I don't know what I would have done or who I would be today if I didn't have my mother there for me! She is my best friend. She has been there for me through everything. She's my "Pollyanna"!

I have a wonderful husband that I adore, we have plans. I haven't had enough of our love story. He needs me. My family needs me!

I'm still staying positive! I fill my head with positive thoughts all day, every minute. I'm allowed to have bad moments. It's healthy to cry and release!

It's just the thought of leaving my babies that stabs me in the heart. It gets me every time, Ella says she loves me! My beautiful Ella, adorable Pierce, and sweet Ryder. How do you tell a child that mommy is not coming back? Well, I'm not going to let that happen! I can't! I will beat this cancer! I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening! I will beat this! I'm otherwise healthy and strong! There's no reason to believe that the cancer will come back! The best medical care, positive thinking and good attitude. That's what I need. Plus, I'm changing my diet. I'm going to do anything and everything to help my body fight against cancer!

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! My wonderful family, friends, and even people that I have never even met....I can't thank you enough! I'm so grateful for your generosity and kindness!

Much Love,
Jual

Who knew...I had a twin!

And we're only 7 years apart! I had to take a picture of me and my brother, we look so much a like especially with the same hair style! I love you Shawn!

Pierce has become very curious about his baby brother! So far seems very loving and interested in Ryder...hopefully this will continue as they get older! I want them to be close and to take care of each other. Looks like Pierce is already in that mode, looking out for his baby brother!

Ella starts preschool on Tuesday! She is very excited! I'm excited for her b/c I know she'll enjoy school but I'm miss her so much when she is at school! We will post pictures later this week!

It's 3am..again!

I'm fine...just can't sleep!

I've been practicing positive thinking this past week. I keep telling myself over and over that I'm an individual, it doesn't matter that I'm stage IIIB, it doesn't matter how aggressive my particular cancer is, the statistics don't apply to me. None of that applies to me...I'm not putting labels or staging my cancer. I'm not going to listen to non-sense. I'm different, my cancer is gone! I'm zapping my body with all the right drugs and with radiation! I will do what ever it takes and I'm going to beat this! I will overcome this battle! Improvise, adapt, and overcome! (right, ls crew!) I can apply that to cancer. Why, not?

Thank you for all your inspirational words, I really do pull strength from your comments and emails! Thank you for your rally of support and prayers! It means so much to me! Let's hope God hears our prayers!

Much Love....

Thanks, Courtney for the picture!