It's 3am...I must be...

I'm getting more comfortable with not wearing scarves...now that a little hair has grown back!

I must be delirious!

I need musical notes, I was getting ready to write and looked at the clock, it's 3am...and matchbox 20 popped into my head.

Chemo tomorrow...took my steroids and can't sleep, extremely tired! 3 kids, treatment, surgery, postpartum, and nightly feedings...I don't know why I'm so tired?

I met with a fabulous radiation oncologist today....have decided that I want to see her for my radiation therapy at Reston Hospital...just now need to line up childcare for this. I have to do radiation every day, M-F for 7 weeks, it's going to be tough but we will get through it!

I try to stay positive and pray. But the fear is always there...I hate it! All the what if's run through my head and it just breaks my heart. Cancer is tough but I have to remain strong, I am tougher. I can beat this! I can be one of those women who live 20, 30, 40 years after cancer, right? Why not?

My arm is still very sore from surgery and because of this for the first time since I was diagnosed, I feel "sick". I feel like a cancer patient. The physical reminder that I'm going though the fight for my life.

I feel bad because my family and friends have been so worried about me. I feel bad for the tremendous amount of stress that this has placed on my family! I feel bad b/c my family's lives have been turned upside down. My poor husband! (Oh by the way, who happens to be the most amazing, wonderful man ever!) He's picking up the slack around the house and now back at work. My mom and sisters missing work, Alex missing work, my kids routine disrupted, my in laws traveling back and forth. It's just all too much! It makes me so angry....why, why, why!!! Why are we being put through the ringer. What did I do wrong? What causes cancer?

Do people think I'm going to die...am I? I want to see my kids grow up! I want to grow old with my husband. I want to see Sara get married! I have plans, I have dreams...I'm not going to let this cancer stop me! I can't...I ask God everyday for healing, a cure. But is this too much to ask? What if it's not his plan? All my life I couldn't wait to be a mom...now I have 3 beautiful children...that I absolutely adore and my life is threaten. I could be taken away from them, ripped away from my babies! And then my husband would be left with the burden of having to raise 3 kids by himself. We are such a good team together...we need to be together! I love him so much...I've only had a few years with him...it not nearly enough! I want to have a 50th wedding anniversary!

Everything in my life is great...I'm so happy except for cancer! Cancer has invaded my life and it's horrible! My new normal is having to go to doctor appts. after doctor appts. I just want to spend as much time with my kids as possible and live a long healthy life. It's funny that the very thing that is saving my life (treatment) is also taking me away from my kids 2 to 3 times a week. I switched my chemo day to Thursday b/c Ella will be in preschool on Thursdays...I'm going to go to chemo and come back before she gets home so that it's one less day that I'm away from her.

The constant struggle of traveling to doctors, scheduling babysitters, trying to be normal, keeping up with my lia sophia business, and dealing emotionally. It's catching up but like I said sadly it's becoming the "new normal" and even though it's crazy it's the very thing that keeps me going! I just continue to do the things that I love...being a mom, spending time with my family, doing lia sophia, snuggling with Riley, and spending time with friends. This is my alternative medicine...being me!

Well, I'm babbling on and on....need to try to go back to sleep before Ryder wakes up again!

Thanks for reading...aka listening! Take Care!

:-)

My Boys!

Ryder went for a weight check this morning...he weighs....5lbs. 13oz.!!

Way to go, Ryder!

GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My scan were "beautiful"! No signs of metastatic disease. Bones, lungs, kidneys, liver, gallbladder all clear!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy and relieved. I was sitting in my chemo chair when she gave me the news...if I could I would have jumped up and down with joy!!! My sister, Sara was with me we just hugged and cried tears of joy!

Thanks for all your prayers, they seem to be working for me!

Praise the Lord!!!

Chemo went well...no signs of allergic reaction, no nausea...just a little tired! Also, some more good news. I only have to do this chemo for 8 weeks instead of 12...my doctor is bumping up my dosage a little each time to cut the duration down a little bit! SWEET!

Scans Done...

Well, I survived the scary scans. They were not as bad as I thought. Now we just wait to find out the results. I'm "radioactive" so I'm at my parents house spending the night! I can't be around the kids for 24 hours. I miss my babies!!!

Chemo tomorrow....hopefully it won't be too bad!

I'll let you know!

Ryder went to the pediatrician today for his 1st check-up! The doctor said he looks great and he weighs 5lbs. 6oz.! Good job, Ryder!

I'm feeling better! I met with my oncologist this afternoon and I asked a lot of questions. She seems pleased with where we are right now. Which I take comfort in b/c she usually makes me nervous! The 10 + nodes were in the actual surrounding breast tissue ( I guess the first layer) and then there was an another specimen taken from under the arm...3 nodes, all negative! So now knowing this...I feel better. I thought all 10 + nodes were from under my arm area. This still tells us that the cancer was very aggressive, having a score of 7 out of 9. (9 being the worst obviously). A score based on characteristics of the cancer cells. So we will continue to be aggressive in my treatment!

I start chemo back up this Thursday morning! I will go once a week for 12 weeks. Ouch! But I'm ready to continue the fight!! Why waste any time?!?!

I have so many wonderful gifts in my life and I thank the Lord everyday for them! Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful! I really appreciate it!

Welcome Home Ryder!

Ryder is home with his family!! I'm so pleased that our baby is finally home! Now we can start a new chapter in our lives! I can focus on my 3 little birds! They really help me to stay strong and positive! They make me smile even when I'm crying...that's pretty powerful!

Thank you so much for all your kind words! I'm feeling better today...I guess I just needed to get over the shock! I really went in there thinking everything would be fine, I had high hopes! I got on the Internet last night and read some message boards like Young Survivors, BreastCancer.org, etc. Reading these message boards helped calm my fears! There are so many courageous women out there fighting this same battle! I'm not alone and I have so many wonderful people pulling for me and my family!

I have my CAT and Bone scans next Wednesday, I can't wait any longer. I need to know! I meet with my oncologist on Monday to determine the next chemo treatment and I meet with the radiation oncologist the following Monday.

Thank you again for all the kind words and inspirations!

Please keep us in your prayers! It was not a good day and I really don't know how much more I can take! Ryder did not come home today which was a real let down. Then I got what I think is the worst news I could have gotten from my pathology report! I went in there hoping to have clear margins and no lymph node involvement. My "hope" is almost gone! There were clear margins except for in the upper right corner. 14 lymph nodes taken and 10 tested positive with cancer. That was really hard to hear! I have to go a get an opinion of a radiation oncologist to see if she thinks we need to go back in a take some more tissue or just do radiation! I'm losing hope! I usually try to find something good in any situation but right now I can't find the good!

Ryder might be coming home tomorrow...we will keep you posted! Please keep your fingers crossed! I also have an appt. with my surgeon and should be getting the pathology reports back, hopefully good news!!!

Ella got to meet her "Baby Ryder" yesterday. The first thing she said was look at his tiny elbow! Then she got to hold him! I think I love him, she tells us!

Thank you for all your good thoughts, prayers, love and support! We love you!!

Update on Ryder!

We went to go see Ryder last night! He is doing very well and looks better every day! He now is taking a bottle of 40cc of formula (which is a little over an ounce) every 3 hours. I was there on Sunday to give him is very first bottle! I'm so happy!! He is off all tubes and IVs. He's just on the monitor, this measures heart rate, oxygen level, and breaths per minute. He is going through a 48 hours test to see if he needs to come home with the monitor. I don't think that he will need to but it's just precautionary! After this test there are just a few more tests that they will need to do to determine if he's ready to come home. (1) They will check his bilirubin levels again and (2) The car seat challenge...They will feed him and then place him in the car seat and monitor him for an hour. They will be checking to see how well he handles being in the car seat as far as breathing, heart rate, and oxygen levels.

He's a very sweet baby...he hardly ever cries and looks so content even though he's going through so much! He likes to sleep in my arms and I can not wait to get him home and spoil him! He needs more love and touch. Every time I talk to him about Ella and Pierce he perks up! The joys of new baby...it's so wonderful! Ryder along with Ella and Pierce will be a good focus for me, a source of love, a will to fight! They ARE my 3 little birds!!!

Uncle Ray...Ryder likes his Villanova outfit! :-)

I'm Home!!

I'm so happy to be home and feeling good! I'm very pleased that I'm in little pain. I have this wonderful little fanny pack that I carry around that is a constant local anesthetic. It's my new best friend!! I missed my children, my dog, and my bed! I'm still very weak...I keep forgetting b/c I feel so good that I have to take it easy. I get very tired and shaky after awhile and need to lay down. Baby steps...but on the road to recovery!!

Ryder is getting stronger everyday. I just called to check on him and he has been transferred next door to the "less critical" nursery. He likes his feedings which is only 20cc every 3 hours, that's less than an ounce but he likes it. He was under the bilirubin lights today when we went to visit due to his jaundice but will be taken off at 11pm tonight. Hopefully we will be home sometime next week. We can't wait to bring him home!

It was very strange to leave the hospital without him. The closer we got to home, I was so excited to see Ella and Pierce but it was just further and further away from my little baby. We live about an 45 minutes to an hour away from the hospital and I felt so bad leaving him there all alone. Well, he's not really alone...he is being well taken care of and all the nurse think he's cute so he's good! :-)

Thank you all so much for all the prayers, love, and support. Alex and I would not be so "put together" without our family and friends! Again, the words thank you can not even to begin to describe how thankful we really are. We love you and we are very blessed to have such wonderful friends and family!

Jual's Surgery

OK - I'm going to make this quick, but I wanted to provide an update to those who haven't heard yet. Jual went in for surgery yesterday around 2:00pm. The doctor said it could take as much as 3.5 hours, but around 4:30, she came to the waiting room, where she found me sleeping with an ESPN magazine half covering my face. Way to play the role of the concerned husband, Alex.

After the Jual Harman entourage was finally gathered, the doctor told us that the surgery went well. After that, I pretty much ignored everything that she said. But here's what I remember Jual's mom telling Jual later. She was able to save most of the skin, which will make it easier for reconstruction later. She does not believe there was any spreading. The cancer had not spread into the chest muscle. Here are the unknowns that will be determined after she gets the pathologist report in a week or so. The margins (which is a more clear determinant for spreading), the size of the tumor, and the number of lymph nodes that the doctor removed.

The doctor was very pleased to more pleased that she expected on the pleased scale. She definitely earned her paycheck yesterday (Jual was her third surgery of the day).

I stayed with Jual in the hospital last night. She's doing remarkably well. She could have come home today (Thursday), but will stay one more night until Friday. She has some discomfort and very little pain.

Ryder is getting better every day. He is relying less on the oxygen, and will be taken off the CPAC today, which is the oxygen clips in his nose. He will be hooked up to something called a high-flow canulus to help him breathe, and once he adjusts to that, that will start feeding him through a bottle. His weight, vitals, test results are all outstanding, so we're still anticipating a Monday/Tuesday trip home.

All for now. Will provide another update tomorrow.

Alex

Ryder Byron Harman is HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is with great pleasure that I announce the arrival of Ryder Byron Harman to the world.

While it was both a miraculous and incredible experience, it was not without some bumps in the road.

We checked into Georgetown University Hospital on Sunday Aug. 5 at 7pm. Jual and I both thought this was going to be a wham-bam lickity-split delivery, largely based on Pierce’s delivery, which was less than 4 hours. Boy, were we wrong.

After the initial processing, Jual finally received the induction drugs around 10:30pm. She was only 1 cm dilated, but we hoped that the drugs would kick in very soon and get the party started quickly. She did not respond as quickly to the petocin. Around 6am, Monday morning, the doctors broke her water. At around 8am, her treating OB (Dr. Landi) came in and joined the fray. She immediately had concerns about the baby’s heart rate, which had been fluctuating wildly since Jual’s water was broken, but we thought all along it was because they did not have the sensors in the right place. Dr. Landi brought in the entire cast from Grey’s Anatomy and ER and before we knew it, there were about 10 doctors/residents/med students in the room. They had her switch sides, put her on different drugs, took her off some drugs, change sensors, change sensors again, and perform a 30 minute pilates routine before they finally got the baby’s heart rate stabilized. We later found out it was due to the umbilical cord wrapped around Ryder’s neck.

At around 10:15am, order was restored, and Jual began pushing, which lasted 15 minutes, and at 10:30am, Ryder was born. You could tell he was upset. After the nurses unwrapped the umbilical cord from his neck, he promptly peed on a nurse and a med student. "Take that, Georgetown doctors", was the expression on his face. Ryder was crying and moving about which was a very good sign.

After a brief moment with mom, the doctors whisked Ryder away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It is customary, and may be mandatory, that all premature babies spend time in NICU. The length of time depends on how developed the baby is, how he is breathing, whether or not he eats, etc. We found out a short time later that Ryder was having a little difficulty breathing. It is not uncommon this occurs in premature babies (Ryder was 35.5 weeks…Georgetown takes any baby less than 36 weeks into NICU).

After Jual got something to eat and cleaned up, she packed her bags to go to her recovery room, which is two floors below the labor and delivery unit. On our way to recovery, we stopped by NICU to see Ryder. This is another one of those things that I hope no one ever has to experience. The NICU is a room of babies in incubators. For me, it was extremely difficult to see him in this condition. He had oxygen going into his nose, a tube in his mouth so the oxygen could escape, and an IV in his stomach. This is never a site you want to remember as your first one of your baby, even if it is all precautionary. We spent a few minutes with Ryder and away we went to recovery.

A few hours later, after I went home, and left Jual to fend for herself, Jual called me and said his oxygen/blood ratio was not where it should be, and had actually decreased since his initial test. The doctors said they would have to perform a spinal tap to rule out several things, one of them being meningitis. As another precautionary, he was started on an antibiotic. The tests for meningitis will be known in 3 days, and in the mean time, he will continue on the antibiotic. As of Monday night, Jual had been back to see him several times, and said he looked good. One time he was awake and had his eyes open. The nurses said he was a feisty sucker (that’s my boy!!) and had pulled his IVs out a couple times. He, like I, is probably sick as hell of doctors, medicine, monitors, taupe, stale hallways, and ugly nurses (sorry for the ill-timed jokes…I haven’t slept in 36 hours).

So that’s where we stand right now, as of Monday night. In my haste to leave the hospital, I left the camera with Jual. So when I return tomorrow, I will make sure to get the camera, and post pictures tomorrow afternoon.

Please continue to keep Jual and Ryder in your thoughts and prayers. Ryder has come a long way and is not about to stop fighting now. He will remain in NICU for probably a week. Jual’s surgery is still scheduled for Wednesday at 2pm.

What a beautiful site! We saw a rainbow last weekend as we sat on our front porch and had a picnic dinner with the kids. I've been asking for a sign to let me know that I will be okay. Is this is? Maybe! I have to believe that this is a sign because I have to believe that everything will be okay! That I'm going to be okay!

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm getting nervous. I'm definitely not nervous about having my beautiful baby boy! I love delivery, it's such an exciting event after a long 9 (in this case 8) months! Surgery, I'm a little nervous I guess, but mostly about the results of the pathology report and recovery. As for surgery itself...I'm ready! I'm ready for all the cancer cells to be removed my body!

The thing that I'm really nervous about is the CAT and bone scan. Since we've had to wait so long for these tests, it's just been weighing on my mind! We really have no reason to believe that the cancer has spread but because Inflammatory Breast Cancer is such an aggressive form of cancer it just worries me. I just hope and pray that for the best case scenario, clear margins and cancer free through out my body!

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! It really means a lot to me and Alex! We would not be able to be so strong if it wasn't for our family and friends! We love you!!